Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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