I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
