that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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