What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
