You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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