my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
