I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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