Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Randomize
