U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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