you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone