I wish my penis had an off switch
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
