Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
