she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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