life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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