Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
