Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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