My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Come share oat with me in your robe
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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