some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
