I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
