dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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