with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
