am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
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