i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
