Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
