all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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