Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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