are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
