I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize