Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
