Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Text me some of your sweat
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