i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
