I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I booty called her while she was in labor.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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