I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
