hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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