I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
