when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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