I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
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