Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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