So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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