My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
