Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
