Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
