We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
