You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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