my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
