Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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