i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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