you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
