3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
