This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
