my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
