my phone needs a breathalizer
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
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He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
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So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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