A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
