I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now