??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
