Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.