Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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