I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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