I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
