New invention idea: vibrating tampons
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Randomize
