your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
