Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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