can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
