Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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