I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Houston, we have a blender
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
